Releasing Your Need to Please - Butler, James

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Résumé :
Narcissism in romantic relationships is often understood to be gender specific-with the man perpetrating the abuse and the woman on the receiving end. While this is certainly the case in many instances, Releasing Your Need to Please is written to explore the growing phenomenon of women who perpetrate narcissistic abuse-and the men who try to please them. Narcissism is a disorder that stems from childhood trauma. A narcissistic female (a girlfriend or wife) is an extremely wounded personality who, at her core, feels empty, powerless, unlovable, and entitled. In order to soothe her deep insecurities and aching needfulness, she requires a love partner to make her feel better about herself. A narcissistic woman sees her partner as a means to an end-an external source of validation and love-to fill her emptiness and internal feelings of powerlessness. Given their self-absorbed nature, narcissistic women always attract a specific personality type-people pleasers. Pleasers, too, have childhood trauma and low self-esteem in romantic relationships, and as a result, bend over backwards to make their narcissistic counterpart happy. Often compromising themselves to gain approval (or stop the abuse), pleasers lose themselves in the process-and end up living a false, inauthentic life. Putting their feelings and needs on the back burner, they internalize the anger and manipulation of their mate. By the time male partners seek counselling, they are exhausted-second-guessing themselves-and feeling as though they might be going crazy. Some do not recognize the control and manipulation they are experiencing. Others know they are being abused, yet do not wish to do anything productive about it. Yet all pleasers feel trapped inside the abusive relationship-often feeling too weak or defeated to make any changes. Staying with a narcissistic woman is the result of the pleaser's low self-esteem and unresolved childhood trauma. Pleasers are terrified to make the courageous decision to separate-and doubt they have the strength to stay away. Hence, they seek to fix the abusive relationship by accepting responsibility for the abuse. While pleasers justify staying in the relationship, they lose themselves in the process. Throughout the book, the message is clear. While the pleaser has been victimized by narcissistic abuse, he can choose to see himself as a victim without choice-or choose to empower himself, develop self-esteem, and permanently escape. Releasing Your Need to Please teaches the reader how to put himself first-by learning to like, trust, and respect himself. This process begins with accepting he has no other reasonable choice-but to escape his chains of abuse. This book will take the reader on a courageous, empowering, and rewarding journey-and help him gradually (and powerfully) release himself from his own chains (his need to please)-while, at the same time, break his mate's chains of control, anger, manipulation, and exploitation....